Self-Empathy: A Leadership Confidence Booster
The seed for this post started to germinate when I saw an interview with comedian Dulce Sloan talking about her new book, Hello Friends: Stories of Dating, Destiny and Day Jobs. I found it amusing when she explained why she dedicated the book to herself: it was hard getting all those words on the page. Her tone became more serious when she talked about the value she gained from going to therapy. A couple of Sloan’s friends noted a subsequent change in her behavior, and told her that if someone spoke to them the way she used to speak to herself, it would be time for a fight. That lightbulb moment made her realize just how hard she had been on herself and that she needed to speak to herself in a “nicer way.”
The seedling grew when I recently reconnected with a brilliant young poet and playwright, Daniel Koa Beaty, whose plays I produced while running the Riverside Theatre. We were discussing his participation in the upcoming Juneteenth program at Carnegie Hall. As we reminisced, he shared that he had been through a period when people told him that he didn’t have anything more to say. How crushing that must have been for an artist whose virtuosity of the spoken and written word was the source of his creative gifts to audiences. But they were wrong. He does have more to say and I’m excited that he will be doing it from the stage of Carnegie Hall.
This cauldron of self-doubt—often stoked by lack of faith in our own capabilities or the perceived distrust others might have in us—is a recipe for stagnation and unrealized dreams.
How often do we doubt ourselves? And, as a result, diminish our potential and the gifts of our leadership?
How often do we allow others to dim our light and cast a shadow on our value and worthiness?
To be effective leaders, we need to step into our authenticity and model the way. Sometimes, this means being kinder to ourselves and leaning more into a confidence-fueled leadership approach.
Wearing Confidence Like a Cologne
Deion Sanders was recently a guest on CBS This Morning talking about his new book, Elevate and Dominate: 21 Ways to Win On and Off the Field. He was quick to use words like visualization, belief, commitment, and understanding as essential to recognizing our potential. As a child, his favorite book was The Little Engine That Could—recall the engine’s mantra to get to his destination: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
Sanders says he wears confidence like a cologne. His philosophy is: “do not let my confidence offend your insecurity.” In other words, those who think only about themselves can take offense when in the presence of someone exuding confidence. Deion sets his “mental thermostat” daily, so he is not thrown off his game by naysayers.
So, how much grace do we allow ourselves?
One of our coaching clients, who, in our first session, immediately connected with the JLP Principle of Individual Excellence—said that he consistently charges himself and his team to be great and to strive to realize their full potential. He supports them, in their roles as the experts, to have an impact.
We use what we call Shedding Practices (from the JLP practice In the Shed) to embody the tools and concepts from jazz that can help address leadership and team development. One of those practices is to start every coaching session with our client sharing what wins, personal or professional, they’ve experienced, be they small or large.
Consistently owning and recognizing our wins is a confidence booster that promotes more of the same, for ourselves and those around us. As a Shedding Practice, this can help fertilize our seeds for ongoing success.
