Reciprocity: The Ebb and Flow of Relationship Building
Rehan Staton
“When I see them, I see me.” That was Rehan Staton’s assertion when he referred to the janitors, cooks, security guards, and others who are the support staff on the Harvard Law School (HLS) campus. Staton speaks from this place of empathy and compassion because he has only to recall his own life experience of feeling not seen. His childhood was plagued by lack of resources like electricity or sometimes food; as such, he struggled through school, and was rejected by the colleges he applied to. Staton says he did not feel seen until, as a young man, his sanitation co-workers lifted him up, encouraging and supporting him to go back to school. Staton is graduating from Harvard Law School in May of this year. He credits his former co-workers with helping him get through the difficult, uncomfortable times.
Staton’s statement reminds me of the Zulu philosophy of “Sawubona”—an expression when meeting another that all at once recognizes and acknowledges the essence of their existence and presence. This ancient greeting is a form of witnessing the full humanity of the person, and in that sacred space, being open to their possibilities. Sawubona is often translated as “I See You,” which, as a greeting in and of itself, is poignant and heart-warming. Recently, I’ve come across another interpretation as “We see you,” which means that all of my ancestors are also in the frame of my recognition.
The spark that ignited Rehan Staton into action was the moment a janitor didn’t realize that he was speaking to her when he asked how she was doing. That just never happened as part of her work experience. Because he did see the janitors, security guards, and cooks, Staton’s decided to do something about it. He began by purchasing gift cards and distributing them with personalized messages to the support staff. Then, with the owner of the same sanitation company he formerly worked for, he launched the Reciprocity Effect, a nonprofit organization to support what he calls the “unsung heroes” who work behind the scenes. The purpose of the organization is “to create a more holistic HLS community whose members reciprocally support one another.” The organization offers need-based grants, and also honors workers through award ceremonies.
Staton recognized that even as these workers were diligently going about their assigned jobs, their daily tasks made a positive impact on his daily experience on campus.
Staton’s reciprocity was not a transactional ‘you do for me, and I’ll do for you’ mentality. There was a genuine sense of care, empathy, and support.
The Anticipation & Attention of Reciprocity
Ivy McGregor
Transactional reciprocity is often a part of a business mindset. It may be a free gift with the expectation that it will lead to a sale or a “loss leader” hoping to gain company or product loyalty.
As I listened to a CBS This Morning interview of Ivy McGregor, Executive Director of Beyonce’s philanthropic enterprise BeyGOOD, it struck me that their approach was also a reciprocity of care. As Beyonce tours, McGregor travels as much as a month in advance to each city to develop relationships with the business community and community leaders. Luncheons are set up to listen to community members’ needs and to understand what small business support is needed. Only then are programs for entrepreneurs and students put in place. BeyGOOD’s motivation is to ensure that the event has a positive impact on the city as a result of Beyonce being there.
As a socialization process, the norm of reciprocity says that people tend to feel obligated to return the favor when someone does something nice for them.
What if we didn’t wait until someone did something nice?
Reciprocity could be so much more than just you doing something nice for me, so now I do something nice for you.
Reciprocity is acknowledging that during the course of our day, we are receiving good from others that impacts how we move through the world—like the gentlemen mopping the bathroom floor of a restroom I was entering and warning me twice to walk slowly. And the gentleman, who when he saw me standing beside my open car door with a forty-five-pound bag of potting soil in the cart, asked if he could put it in the car for me. Absolutely yes. Both gentleman received my deep gratitude.
Author and scholar Danielle Allen takes reciprocity a step further, regarding it as one of her five facets of political equality. In her new book, Justice By Means of Democracy, Allen says that reciprocity is at the heart of justice, establishing an equality of agency through mutual responsiveness.
Reciprocity concerns the relational ethic that citizens have with one another: the ability to look one another in the eye; the ability to propose the need for redress of grievance and to be secure in the expectation that redress will be possible within constraints of reasonableness and rights.
Reciprocity is give and take—a means of exchange of goods, time, energy, emotions, and communication. When it’s working beautifully, there’s a harmonious ebb and flow, which is key to establishing and maintaining balance in our relationships, community, and society.
