Handling Conflict: Navigating Tension & Release
We deal with conflict more often than we probably care to. As we confront instances of disagreement or dispute, the tension and discomfort, accompanied by increased stress, becomes an all-too-familiar space to navigate. Beyond our interpersonal levels, we only need to look around our communities and nation to see conflicts unfolding at troubling levels and with greater polarization. Conflicts happen because we are in relation to everyone and everything that crosses our path, so it makes sense that as we lean into our beliefs, behaviors, and perspectives, we bump up against that which is different.
Effectively dealing with conflict is an ongoing process of self-reflection and relationship building.
Why Is It So Difficult?
Discussing his new book, Think Again, on a recent CBS This Morning segment, author Adam Grant says that because we want to show strength, we are afraid to be wrong. He says that “sticking to our guns” prevents us from having what he calls “confident humility,” which signifies that we still have something to learn. Rethinking—learning to question your opinions—is what he believes will move us away from preaching (spreading our gospel), prosecuting (trying to win and prove everyone else wrong), or politician-mode (following our tribe to get approval). Grant says we should listen to ideas that make us think hard and surround ourselves with people who challenge us:
In our daily lives, too many of us favor the comfort of conviction over the discomfort of doubt. We listen to opinions that make us feel good, instead of ideas that make us think hard. We see disagreement as a threat to our egos, rather than an opportunity to learn. We surround ourselves with people who agree with our conclusions, when we should be gravitating toward those who challenge our thought process. The result is that our beliefs get brittle long before our bones.
Our beliefs help form the foundation of who we are and how we engage in the world, so we hold fast to them. Being challenged, dismissed, or considered wrong doesn’t sit well. Our habitual style of dealing with conflict is often based on how we learned to deal with it in our formative years.
In Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World, author Tyson Yunkaporta says that one of the most important protocols that a sustainable system needs is adaptation: “You must allow yourself to be transformed through your interactions with other agents and the knowledge that passes through you from them.” If I am gaining knowledge from you, then maybe it is something that will be to my benefit, whether I see it now or not.
How do we find those hidden moments of grace? How do we recognize the humanity in the conflict? We can take a lesson from music.
Dynamics of Tension & Release
Music is based on tension and release, as are many forms of art. Tension in music is the buildup of rhythm, harmony, melody, and dynamics that can develop an emotional experience for the listener.
When enough tension has built up, through repetition, volume, syncopation, and other elements, the release from these creates a relaxed feeling for the listener. When you release tension in music, you provide a resolution that allows the song to recreate tension once again, which moves the song forward. This is the creative flow that keeps us listening attentively, wanting to hear more.
How can we find a rhythm in our conflicts that can lead to more harmony? Well, perhaps we can shift from the assumption that things should always be without tension.
Reacting vs Responding
Reacting is typical when we’re in survival-mode—which is either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Most often as a defense mechanism, a reaction is instinctual, instantaneous, and based on preconceived thoughts, beliefs, and biases. Stemming from the unconscious mind, reacting is usually done without thinking beyond the moment, and as such is filled with emotion—we are triggered. Handling the situation from an emotional state usually increases the chances for negative outcomes.
On the other hand, a response usually comes more slowly. It’s based on information from both the conscious and unconscious mind. Responding is a conscious choice which gives time to contemplate the situation and possible options. Thoughtfulness and reflection are guiding principles to shift from a reactive state. These allow us to consider our personal value system and potential consequences. It’s crucial to look at our patterns in resolving conflict—it can make the difference between creating perpetually contentious interactions or productive, healthy discussions. Managing our emotions is key to being able to respond, instead of reacting. To help manage conflicts, we can:
Know our stress emotion triggers to identify the feelings and thoughts that triggered them. Be honest about your fears, beliefs, and biases.
Recognize and understand our key values and goals, so they will be our guiding inspiration.
Develop responses to address emotional triggers, understanding that it may be a challenge to overrule heightened emotions.
In their book, Compassionate Conversations: How to Speak and Listen from the Heart, authors Diane Musho Hamilton, Gabriel Menegale Wilson, and Kimberley Myosai Loh write about “growing through conflict.” The authors bring forward a salient point about identity as the source of many of the world’s conflicts, stating that such conflicts are “an indication that either side of an argument is pretending to be the whole story.” Musho Hamilton et al. say that understanding our various identities, as well as when, why, and how we rely on them, is essential for us to understand when to shift or relax our identity.
In her master workshops, Diane Musho Hamilton emphasizes that our ability to handle conflict is linked to our development and growth—which is the capacity for more complexity. As our capacity increases, we can tolerate more, we’re willing to include more, and are less rigid. It is important to recognize that as we mature, a diversity of responses is possible.
Can we move towards a greater maturity in addressing conflicts by approaching them as opportunities to recognize our truth, yet leave enough room for a change in perspective? If so, perhaps it can help us get to our truth faster.
On Monday, Feb. 15 at 12 noon EST, Diane Musho Hamilton will join Greg and his series partner, Gregg Henriques, for a conversation with Nora Bateson titled “An Ecology of Communication.” This is the first time that Diane will have engaged in dialogue with Bateson, who has been enacting “warm data” labs around the world. The conversations promises to be fascinating and alive with insights, so put on your calendar, register by clicking the event title above, and join us.
