A 4AM Conversation

Zach and Sophia are insomniacs—drinking coffee, exercising, and watching endless movies through the wee hours of the morning—an ongoing nighttime regimen. The Sleepless, starring Nyambi Nyambi and Rebecca De Ornelas, is about a conversation that begins at a chance meeting in a corner Brooklyn bodega at 4:00am in the morning. The conversation, as they meander through the streets, into a park, at a coffee shop, and back to Sophia’s apartment, takes us on a journey of vulnerability, openness, candor, and a willingness to feel into the other’s perspective.

The story reveals much about each individual—their insecurities, challenges, and desires. With stops and starts, they navigate through difference, misunderstanding, revelations, and commonalities. They show us that with intentionality, trust can develop. They both harness an energy of deep listening, co-creating an empathetic, generative space that brings light to their newly formed relationship, even as a new dawn was breaking.

Greg and I enjoyed the interplay and complexity of the conversation. Both Zach and Sophia seemed to stretch and grow as they wrestled with and untangled various viewpoints and perceptions. There is an art to conversation that we, as creators, can continually craft and fine tune.

The ebb and flow of their conversation made me think of a post I wrote early in 2020 as we were trying to make sense of the pandemic and just how we could sustain both personal and professional communication. The post explored how we can strengthen communication in that mandatory digital space. Now, as we bridge our habituated online communication with ever increasing face-to-face conversations, the intention and deliberateness offered in that post is even more apropos.

Here is the post:

Communication: An Art to Strive For

Art as Communication, Communication as Art

While running the Theater of the Riverside Church, I produced annual dance, theater, film, and music programs. Through the Night, a play by actor/playwright Daniel Beaty, was particularly inspiring. Daniel played all six male characters, from 6 to 60 years old, as he shared the experiences of African-American men in these United States. Through musical, literary, visual, and dramatic forms artists express, reflect, and share perspectives that can inspire, while revealing the beauty and the ills of our society. Our response to the call of art—be it agreement or dissent— is signaled through our attention, time, and dollars.

Communication is indeed an art through which we share feelings, ideas, and aspirations. Our communication can be creative, improvisational, and dynamic. Each of us expresses in our own unique ways. At times it’s fluid, bringing clarity and deeper understanding and at other times, a struggle. Our style of communication can uplift or tear down—we choose through the words, tone, and delivery of our message. Which is why this unprecedented time raises questions about communication through the internet of things.

Paradigm Shift: Social Distance Communicating

A couple of days ago, I participated in a Zoom webinar for facilitators striving to communicate on online platforms. They asked: how do we amplify connection online? The team at Ten Directions gave excellent insights on how to create a dynamic, warm, hospitable experience to engage others online. Which brings me to our current predicament of communicating while social distancing.

Communicating through technology has become second nature to many of us. Jumping on social media, sending out emails, texting quick questions and responses—all in the course of a given day. Social distancing has made these communication methods the go-to, all day, every day. Add to these the conference calls, Zoom meetings, FaceTime, Google Hangouts, and Skype— every aspect of our lives, whether business or personal, is now online.

I was reminded recently that there are still effective ways of communicating beyond digital when I read about a Facebook group called Stratford Mutual Aid. Founder Sonya Huber wanted to create “a way to collectively find purpose during such an unsettling time.” Among other virus-related activities, the group writes letters of companionship, comfort and support to nursing home patients who may be isolated. A noble purpose indeed.

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.

—Buddha

In Crucial Conversations, authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzer define dialogue as “The free flow of meaning between two or more people.” Embracing this definition begs the question of how to establish this “flow of meaning” while staring into a screen. True dialogue will require extra effort with deliberate focus, observation, and attention. Such efforts align our intentions and foster coherence and connection.

Online Dialogue Tips:

Be Deliberate  

The person or people on your screen deserve your full attention, with little or no distractions.  

Listen Well

Deep listening signals that you value their contributions, opinions, and ideas, which goes a long way to building trust and authentic relationships. Listen carefully for meaning, without assumptions, to learn.

Extend Curiosity

Curiosity makes us flexible. Being open to exploring a dialogue with humility and without judgment, develops a sense of safety and earns trust. Curiosity is an invitation of encouragement where, if needed, we can find resolution.

Use inquiry

Probing, reflecting, and paraphrasing are ways to ask empowering questions. Inquiry shows interest and the desire to know more.

Non-Verbal Cues

The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.

—Peter Drucker

When we interact with others, we always give and receive nonverbal signals—gestures, posture, tone of voice, eye contact—all send strong messages. Often done instinctively, these messages don’t end when you stop speaking. Even when you’re silent, you’re still communicating. The silence is okay if we allow it to create a space for better understanding. Becoming more sensitive to the nonverbal cues of others, as well as our own, can increase trust and rapport.

In our current climate, as leaders, we must amplify our communication to be crystal clear about intentions, values and strategies to solve the problems at hand. Communicating consistently with openness, honesty, trustworthiness, and transparency is most certainly the call of the day.